Satan-sama and Narcissism!

This story is a pure bullshit and nonsense. If you don’t like what you are reading. You are most welcome to stop reading. But if you are in for some crap, welcome to the Satanhood.

I’m trying to make it as if ‘you’ are the camera-man who is recording Satan’s life blog.

P.S This story has nothing to do with real religion that you know in real life.

P.S.S THIS STORY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH REAL RELIGION THAT YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE.

Said it twice, because its important. The name that I used is just a parody for some  spices.

 

***

                A few days had passed since the Winter Comiket. I spent too much time in Human world. Just so you know, Demon loses all their power when they visited human world. Unless they are ranked Chief or above, they won’t even be able to materialize into physical form in human world. On the other hand, it is different for a fallen angel such as Lucifer and me.

We can materialize ourselves into human form, however we lost over 98% of our power due God’s punishment, and we use the remaining of our power to hide our dark wings. There are several occasions when we don’t have to hide our wings at all. Whenever there’s an event in Akiba or a fan-meeting in any bookshop. I never hide my wings; instead I spread it out free into the open and let people takes photos of me.

Whenever I went to a Cosplay Event with Lucifer in our fallen angel ‘outfit’, girls will swarm over us and asked us to do poses for them. There are about 48 Satan X Lucifer poses, I was a bit reluctant to do it at first, but as the girls demand the poses to be posed, I found that their affinity to Hell is getting even higher than their affinity to heaven.

Well, there is no harm doing some fan service for a future neighbor of afterlife.

What can I say, God made me almost too perfect to be ignored. I even have my own fans.

What?

Why is my narcissism level is over 9 000?

You silly ❤

It’s not 9 000, it’s only over 8 000.

Putting that aside, lately I felt weak and my limb is hurting, especially on my upper body side. It is true that I am aged over 3 trillion days and night but I’m not ‘that’ old. I’m a very attentive fallen angel. I make sure to dye my wings black every 50 years and goes to the barber to trim any bad feathers.

It must be the side effect of staying too long in human world. I think I will go back to Hell now. Now how where did I put my Helephone again? Ah… Here it is.

The number is 10088XXXX

Me : Hello Hellian transport?

Helephone : The number you have dialed is not enough, please press 2 more numbers to connect to Hellian transport.

…

Did I press the wrong number?

Dammit! Now I have to walk to the Gate instead.

What? Where am I going you ask me?

I’m going to the cemetery, where else?

Just so you know, there are a lot of ways for you to get to the Netherworld . If you’re going to visit Netherworld by conscious alone; you can use a black cat as your catalyst between Netherworld and Human world.  Or you can just visit your nearest cemetery. If you’re a demon or a person with high affinity with afterlife, you can see an intercom glued at the left side of the cemetery gate.

Netherworld door is guarded by Sun Goku.

Which goku?

That Goku who journeyed to the west, who else?

From Netherworld you can get to Underworld which is filled with hot sexy bastard like me. Or you can go to the Gaia. Or what most people call as Heaven. Where… there a lot of sissy angels who speaks in a weird way.

Psstt… Come to hell. We got cookies!

Anyway, I am now at the gate of Netherworld.

*Bzzztt*

Intercom : No salesman allowed to enter the premise of the supreme Netherworld security guard.

Me : Err… No. I’m Satan.

Intercom : You’re what?

Me : I’m Satan-sama.

Intercom : Are you that Satan who lied about being the strongest in Tenkaichi Budoukai?

Me : No that is Satan from Dragon Ball… But I am Satan the Fallen Angel. You know? Kami no Datenshi.

Intercom : Show me your ID.

Me : Ah Okay.

*rustle*

Me : Now where did I put my ID? If I’m not mistaken I put it inside here *check pocket*. Eh? It’s gone. Give me a few minutes please.

Intercom : Hurry up! The commercial is almost done, I don’t want to miss Suzumiya  Haruhi Endless 8.

Me : Okay okay… I think I put it inside the plastic bag where my doujinshi are.

Intercom : Hmm? Dounjinshi?

Me: Yes… I just got back from Winter Comiket.

Intercom : Psstt… 

Me : ?

Intercom : Get closer…

*Draw nearer the intercom*

Me : What is it?

Intercom : Do you have Otaku in 10 000 B.C ?

Me : I think I hav…

Intercom : I’ll  let you pass if you let me borrow it for 1 years.

Me : Hmmm…. It’s a very hard request.

Intercom : Come on make your decision fast. I don’t have enough time, the show is almost starting.

Me: Okay deal! But promise me you will give it back one year from now. *Handover the douijn*

Intercom: Sure sure sure… Don’t worry.  As a service, I’ll open the gate straight to Underworld for you.

Bribery is a common thing between the dwellers of Hell. That security guard must be a new monkey; if he knew who I really am he would be shitting in his pant already. But it’s okay. As I am in a very good mood now I will let him off the hook. Be grateful for that. I just can’t wait to get back to my mansion and read all of the new doujin that I bought.

I arrived at the Underworld’s gate. The distance from the Hell’s door from my mansion is 200 KM. Looks like I have to call my loyal Skeletal Wyvern to give me a ride back home. I took a deep breath, so deep that Lucifer called me through telepathy if I saw Adele. I opened my mouth wide and I screamed out,

“Aaaaaaaaaachoooo!”

Damn! I think I caught a cold.

What? You thought I’m going to scream to my throat and summon my loyal Skeletal Wyvern?

Please…

*Pulled out the Hellaphone*

Me: Waiwai-tan

Wyvern : Yes master?

Me : Pick me up at Hell’s Gate.

Whyvern: Yes master.

After 5 minutes of waiting for my loyal Skeletal Wyvern while reading Homunculus work, Waiwai-tan had finally arrived.

Waiwai-tan is my giant Skeletal Wyvern. Our history goes back few hundred years ago. It was when I first arrived at Hell. What, you want to know how we met? I’m not really in the mood right now but as I don’t have anything to do while waiting to reach home, I think I’ll tell you.

I was having a slow stride along the stream of blood when my stomach suddenly growl. I pulled out one of my long hair and used it as the thread to for fishing. I put some magic in my hair, and made the end of it a bit curly like a hook. I then throw it out into the open stream.

A few minute passed and I felt as if I caught something.

There is no response, it just another dead corpse.

 

I pulled it out and only saw a fish bone caught in my fishing hook. Shit!And I threw my fishing hook once again. Minutes after minutes, I kept on getting fish bone. As I had enough of that shit I decided to fly into the open air.

I formed my fist into the shape of binoculars and placed in in front of my angelic face.

Oh damn… I zoomed in too much that my vision reached Human World.

WILD BINRYOUNG APPEARED!

I dashed cutting through the air and slapped the Wyvern once, its neck turned at 180 degree and was defeated instantly. I didn’t even give it a chance to fight back. What can I say, I intent to play around and have an epic fight worth to exaggerate but I’m just too strong. If Saitama can defeat any monster with one punch, how can you expect me Satan-sama who is even stronger than Saitama and Goku to not finish it off with a slap?

What did you say, I may be even more powerful than Saitama and Goku combined, but can I do 360 no scope?

I’m so strong I don’t even need to do 360 to execute a complete massacre.

Let me tell you, when God ordered me to live in hell, I was demoted from being God’s Army Commander and He appointed Gabriel as the new one. I protested greatly. I was so mad at God that I even when to His Castle. However, Gabriel who knew my plans bring forth God’s Army of angle and surrounded me.

I was outnumbered.

You can say it was like the unfair battle at Fisherman Island.

I was surrounded by millions of angels from every corner and from every direction. Needlessly to say that I’m strong, I don’t even need to power up to Super Angel 4 to eliminate those pieces of shit. I only flick my fingers thrice and all of them got their ear drum burst. What?

If ‘Onii-sama’ can disable an experienced magician with a flick of his finger during Nine Schools Competition, I who are on 3 worlds levels difference from Tatsuya to defeat the lowly angels only need 3 flicks form my finger to disable them all.

What? You want to know the truth?

Okay okay okay I got it. You are really persistent aren’t you? But that’s okay. That is what I like about you ❤

I used my <Emperor> Haki against them all. The fight didn’t even last 5 minutes as I got Lucifer for my backup. Well, in the end God descended and used his Silver Palm, straight away sent us to the Underworld.

But well of course that was God. Who can win against their God anyway? If I were to put it into comparison my full strength is God’s 3/10 strength.

I said it once but I will say it twice.

My point is! I’m so strong I don’t even need to do 360 no scope to execute a complete massacre.

Because that is important!

Okay! I arrived at the front of my mansion.

*Opens the door*

Hmm…

My mansion is too big. Maybe I should invite a few scubbus to come and play around next Saturday.

As you can see, my mansion is quite exotic with animal’s heads. I hunted down any  animal that I found when I was at human world.

Hmmm? What? What am I going to do now?

I’m going to sort out my doujinshi now. Now let me see, which shelves was it. Ah! Here it is, the majestic shelve of HOMUNCULUS. Hmm… I wanted to read it now but I don’t want to get recorded while doing ehm… ehmmm. *Cough* *Cough*

I mean, I don’t want to bore you watching me reading doujin. You surely don’t want to bore yourself right? With that said, I’ll introduce you to one of my friend. Belphegor, he’s a witch doctor. Or you can say He’s a demon who’s specialized in medical.

A few hundred years ago he was just a low class Demon, but he went into Underworld International Butler Academy and raised his rank there, and become one of 7 Hell’s Supreme Leader. If I’m not mistaken there was another demon who were fighting against Belphagor for the spot, what was his name again? Hmm… Oh! Sebastian. He used to be Belphagor greatest rival, but I heard he’s now contracted with a brat in human world for a foolish revenge.

I used to gave a great  rival, his name was Ammon, he was one of the 7 Hell’s Supreme Leader. But then I kicked his ass and take over the spot with overwhelming power like Zaraki did.

I’m thinking to go to Belphegor place, but first, I’ll make a call. He must be busy right now.

*Pulls out Helephone*

Me : Bel-chan.

Belphegor : Wat?

Me : Do you have time? I’m going to visit your place, it seems like my body got weaker again. I just went to Human World a few days ago, and rent a motel for a week. Due to that my body feels really weak right now.

Belphegor : Why didn’t you invite me?

Me : I thought you were busy/

Belphegor : Nah… not really, I’m bored to  death here.

Me : But you were never alive to begin with though.

Belphegor : Anyway, I’m just going to do your medical checkup through helephone. Do you legs tremble when you walk? Are you able to  jump?

Me : I’m fine, I can even run faster than Eyeshield 21.

Belphegor : How about your hand, does it feels heavier than usual when you’re  lifting out your doujinshis’

Me : Ah… I do feel  a little bit weak when I was carrying my doujinshi.

Belphegor :Do you have a girlfriend?

Me : I’m Satan, in what history does the Demon Lord have a girlfriend?

Belphegor : I see. I got an ointment readied; it was made from a virgin Succubus blood. Apply it on your right hand. It had worked hard for the past few days.

Me : THANK YOU MY FRIEND!

You see. Belphegor is so good at medical treatment that he can already know what the cause of disease without even seeing you in person. That is one of a few more hundreds redeeming qualities that he had to become one of Hell’s Supreme Leader.

Wait… Ointment for my right hand?

*Cough* *Cough* *Cough*

What? Don’t look at me with that kind of eyes. I know that you guys do it too. Don’t lie to me, the last time I visit a human world I saw one of you hid your ‘items’ in “C:\Windows\System32\drivers\studies\meth\” okay!

What’s more its “censored.avi”.

You are way even worse than me!

You can’t judge me! Only God can judge me!

A-Anyway… I’m going to take a rest now. I’ll see you next week if when I have BS to spout.

Satan-sama in an Otaku!

Hai!

My name is Satan. This is a story of my Weekly life. My peers usually call me Demon Lord, but you can call me Satan. Not anyone else, but only you can call me Satan because you had won my affection, hehehe. What? You want to call me something else to show your level of affection? A nickname you say?

Hmm…

I’m not quite sure.

I don’t really quite like nickname, because last time I agreed on having a nickname, my Mom called me as Satty. Gabriel made fun of me by calling me Sassy. I ended up punching him with my ‘Super Duper Ultra Extra Normal Punch’ and send him down from Heaven to Hell. I got reprimanded from God for that.

Not that I care though,

But the fact that God sent me to Hell as a punishment is quite disturbing even for me. Hell is horrible, everyday it felt like I’m on a barbecue. The only exception is that, I am the meat and the low class demons are those who were having the treat. But well, as you already know, I am strong. Super Duper Mega strong, I’m even stronger than Saitama and Son Goku combined. One flick is all I need to turn those low Class Demons back into ashes.

Now that I think of it, there are a few Demons who are really stubborn as well, for example Beelzebub. He won’t stay quiet because I kept on killing his subordinates that tried to eat me. In the end I gave him a good bashing and POMFT! I decorated my hunting room with his head hung onto one of the hook that I made for animals when I went on hunting in human world.

I took the liberty of taking my morning coffee while viewing the phenomenal view of undying fire that danced on my territory accompanied with Beelzebub’s head.

MMMmmmm Em! Virgin licking good!

It took me quite a few weeks to get accustomed to Hell. When I was in Heaven, all of the things that I ever wanted was easily obtained. What? You want to know how I obtained the thing that I wanted. Pfft… You don’t have enough affection point on me to know it, yet.

But in hell, damn! Life is hard. I mean, not that I’m alive. I was never alive to begin with if you know what I mean. But it was so uncomfortable living in hell; it was even hotter than the sacred land of Comiket during summer. If you define Sahara Dessert as hot, the Demons here will call that as BS! The heat in Sahara Dessert is like lukewarm hot spring water compared to hell. Hell is so hot that you can get tanned in less than a minute.

And you wondered why Demons are on the dark side…?

I’ve been doing my best to make even the slightest improvement in hell. I’ve thought about turning the red barren land hell into lands of green. The first thing that I tried to do was planting an Onion. That night, I cried so much for the first effort that I had ever done.

I shouldn’t have cut the Onion into two.

On my second attempt, I went into the human world, took thousands herd of sheep and let them settled down for a while in Hell. However, Hell is a place where you can never die, because you already died. The sheep that I brought over from Human World to Hell, began to develop an addiction of thrilling experience, I think those sheep were affected by Beelzebub’s Dark Miasma.

And we all know what kind of ‘Demon’ Beelzebub is.

The sheep kept on jumping all day and ram on each other heads like fools, and they began talking in Demon Language. About how fun it is if they are able to eat some human flesh, or how good will human flesh taste. I was not able to bear the noise of those[s] shits[/s] sheep and I sent them back to Earth.

But shit!

A few months later they came back to Hell, upgraded.

“Heyo Satan, wassap!”

“Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Saytan. Whatapp!”

They looked like those hipster in 1980 that I saw on TV. Apparently they were still affected by Beelzebub’s Dark Miasma by the time they reached Human World. The Sheep was partying all day and jumped off from a cliff when they were too high on weed.

Those Sheep was so loud that I relocated them all to another side of Hell.

Finally! Peace for my mind!

On my third attempt, I went to the Human world and distribute the flyers about how Hell is an awesome place. I sugarcoat the sentences and put an eye catching graphic, I even asked Lucifer to create a website called http://www.666-IAmSo.moe for hell’s dwellers to interact with each other. I was thinking to use Whatapp before, but you need to pay 0.99 dollar a year for the service.

What the fuck (?)

We don’t use dollar in hell. How am I supposed to pay for it? Well, maybe I can work a thing or two but the lower class Demons here won’t even be able navigate an android phone.

But the plan failed. There is a group of dark metal punk, or was it gothic who founded a new cult called ‘The Triangle’. Now everybody is busy talking about Illuminati and shit.

One day, I’m going to find the Demon that those human contracted with and ‘educate’ him on not ruining other’s effort.

I’ve tried so many things to make an improvement for hell but there was nothing that worked! I can already publish 2 or 3 books on hell’s how-to.

However,

There is this one time when an architect was sent down here right after I made my 665 attempt to make Hell a better place. He supposed to build the building with a proper blue print and proper material. He even got paid in advance in order to motivate him to work diligently. He really did work diligently.

What… You ask me if he really worked diligently why did he go to hell?

Geez! You really like opening other’s wound do you?

But it’s okay that is what I like about you. ❤

But I still won’t disclosure his secrets out, because I made a promise to him.

Wait what? A Demon King keeping his promise is so lame?

What are you talking about? I may be a Demon Lord, but just so you know I was the Commander of God’s army. I am the Demon’s Lord, but I myself am not a Demon. Deep inside this heart is still your good old pure and innocence Satan-sama who loves vanilla more than NTR.

CURSE NTR! I hope every NTR avid goes to hell and I will personally educate them!

Leaving that aside.

Let me continue my story… Where was I? Oh right! About the Architect! When the Architect was sent down here, I was ecstatic. I’ve made a lot of blue prints for buildings, and used Beelzebub minions as the physical laborers. It was great! The architect is a man of many talents. Not only he knows the how-to on every task that I asked him, he even made improvements based on his own judgment.

After 50 years in hell, I was finally able to take a breather. We now got shopping malls, sauna, hot spring at lava temperature and thousands of rest house. Each rest house is supplied with air-conditioner which the Architect himself had created from scratch.

Damn I loved that guy, NO HOMO!

But everything changed when the Fire Nation… I mean God gave me a call which goes like this.

God : Satan.

Me : Yes boss?!

God : How are things faring in hell?

Me : Everything is great Boss! The new dweller that Your Son sent to hell is a great man; he built us a Shopping Mall, Karaoke Bar, Hot Spring, Inn and even made an air-conditioner. Well it was hard at first but now everything’s gonna be daijoubu. We are planning to make a theater next year.

God : What? JESUS CHRIST! Get that man back to Heaven!

AND THAT! Was how I saved a man who worked diligently from hell!

[i]I’m going to miss you! Be careful with Gabriel!
[/i]
Anyway, before he left to heaven he built a huge mansion for me. *Cries*

The mansion is perfect from every pentagon angle. It was white colored before, but as the heat seeps in, it got charred by the fire and now looking as if it is a haunted house. I was about to invite the President of VSA for some political relationship.

I ought to tell him to stop sending his residents to HELL. Give the civilian their rights, reduce the tax and oil price, create a lot more job opportunities, and fuck those parents who blame the education system for making their child stupid.

It’s not the education system, nowadays SHITTY BRAT is too spoiled by their SHITTY parents. That is what you get for not thinking about their future, lowest wage pay!

Seriously STAPH!!!! It’s getting crowded in here.

I tried to leave him the message by getting inside his lucid dream but I was replied with this,

“Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

Well fuck him! Ain’t nobody got time for you either when you plead me that you’re not supposed to be in Hell next time we see each other.

Putting that aside, I looked at Beelzebub who had been hung onto my wall for over 50 years now. I offered him a chance to redeem himself by turning becoming into one of my subordinates. At first, he vividly reject and even spew a lot of cursing word at me.

I had to make 4 volumes of dictionaries just to decipher the meaning of his curse word.

After another few years passed, Beelzebub no longer spews his cursing word. Or rather, he no longer dared to spew his curse word. I didn’t quite bothered about his cursing word at first, but as I managed to decipher one of his cursing word which sounds like this,

Beelzebub : Your mama is so fat I thought she was a fairy.

I feed so many of my Cerberus dog’s food that he turned into a fatty instead.

After another year of silent treatment from him, I offer him another chance to redeem
himself by becoming my subordinate, which he obediently accepted.

Good Boy!

Me : Well then, I’m feeling a little bit nostalgic So I’m going to visit the human world for a while.

Beelzebub : …

Me : If I’m not mistaken, in a few more days Winter Comiket will be opened and there will be thousands of human being visiting the sacred place. I ought to do some preparation myself.

I went to the human world. Got my new haircut, my sage beard that is up to my knees trimmed and bought a new Aloha shirt and a thick jacket…

With this, everybody will think me as another weird foreigner old man who was addicted to Japanese Anime and Manga. Of course, I am wearing glasses as well to hide my overflowing devilish seducing eyes. I was made almost too perfect by God to not to be noticed.

With that said, before Comiket start. I went into lots and lots of Maid Cafes. Bought myself a new computer parts and visited a few of my Fellow Hell Dweller. They are very famous group, If I’m not mistaken they are Death Metal City. The Vocalist while in off-mode, is a very pleasant man to converse with. He got a great taste in music.

While I might be into hard rock metal, I also like a soothing music that pleases my ears. Nufufufufu.

We chatted for a few hours about the Log Horizon EPIC opening and how it really energize one to watch the series and talk about the new boob character that was seen in Season 1 foreshadow. I had a blast.

When the Winter Comiket almost started. I made sure to camp outside a day before the event start because there will be thousands of people waiting to get inside the sacred land. As expected from Japanese Otaku. SO HARDCORE! The cold are like NOTHING to them!

But of course it was nothing to me too who had trained my body and soul in hell for more than 50 years. I have prepared a long time for this. But it was definitely a challenge when I had to camp outside in cold, I’m invincible to heat but not against cold. Even the air-conditioner in my mansion wasn’t able to reach this level of coolness.

What?

Why do I like Anime and Manga? Such a simple question, I am immortal. In this immortal life I’ve ran out of things to do and things to try. But Japanese anime and manga is so fascinating, I once stumbled upon a manga entitled Gintama and I almost die laughing. Not that I can die though.

I used to be into Greek mythologies, reading about their awesome legends and stuff. But when I found out that they’re real, I kinda lost the mood.

Well shit.

You don’t want your creator find out that you are admiring another God right? What’s more, Zeus in the stories sounds so strong and OP. I went to his place to ask for autograph, but he spoke badly of me and cursed me out and scream on bullshit like,

Zeus : Meet my manager before you meet me. I’m working my sexy muscle right now.

In the end, I was enraged and I challenged him on and he was left disabled in less than 10 minutes. If it wasn’t for Hera who begged me on her knees I wouldn’t even leave him alive. What a joke for a God.

Oh! I wanted to talk more but the event is starting. I’ll continue my story in another day if I’m not busy reading my newly bought doujin. VIVA HOMUNCULUS!